WEEK 8 RECAP: BLOWOUT CITY

I really wanted the picture for this article to be related to the horrific act of a toddler blowing out their diaper, but the internet disgusted me so much that I decided to spare you all from having that image take up space in your grey matter forever, possibly replacing a treasured memory of a loved one. So there’s your gift. Now thank me.

This week was a jarring contrast to last week. Every single match this period was decided by a margin of at least 8-4, with our first clean sweep of the year. There was a lot of movement in the standings and some sleeping giants have stirred from their slumber. One team continued a selloff and another may soon follow. The number 1 player in fantasy went down for the year. Patrick Weaver is going to have to change his team name. PURE. ANARCHY.

Let us begin.

you don’t know jax (w) vs oneil & o’neill attys at law (l)

9 - 3 - 0

My butthole hurts.

Yes this was embarrassing, and the sad part is that it should have been worse. There was a point this week where I was convinced I was going to be swept, and the fact that I wasn’t is a mercy. Everything went wrong for me while Weaver’s squad finally performed to expectations. My team’s offensive output absolutely cratered. Without the power output early on from Trout, Yelich, and Hoskins and with O’Neill cooling due to injury, things are suddenly spiraling. It’s also hard to consider trading pitching to shore up the offense because Pablo Lopez has secretly been replaced by a high schooler with potatoes for hands. One big loss doesn’t ruin a season, especially when a team is still in first place, but two in a row… that can be considered a spiral.

Weaver’s victory may have been phyrric if not for the fact that he found the fantasy equivalent of a government subsidy in order to keep his season going. The loss of Acuna is both devastating and a little overblown. Due to his substandard power numbers, the real way Weaver is going to feel this is in the steals category. Albies hasn’t been running and LRJ probably won’t when he comes back but they’ll more than eclipse the abysmal counting stats Acuna contributed so far this year. Peralta is a gift on top of that cocaine cupcake. Weaver jumped his team over .500, and managed to somehow get better after losing the best player in fantasy. Fucking commie handouts.

Bux in six (w) vs i like ian on topper (l)

10 - 2 - 0

Mulvey’s team performed very well. Nearly double-digit homers, an ERA under 3.00 and a WHIP under 1.00, and a non-zero number in SV/HD. Hitter of the week was Vlad, who appears to be shrugging off his early season slump after going over .400 in his last 7 days. He did fine. He showed up. He wrote his name on the test.

Topczewski did not write his name on the test. Is this because his team is awful or is it because his last name is annoying to spell? Who can know. The sad truth is that Topper has not won a single match this season. He’s tied two and lost six. With the exodus of even more productive assets, Topczewski now runs the risk of having the dubious honor of being the first team in league history to not win a single game in a season. Maybe that’s an unfair projection since the season isn’t even half over, but I never claimed to be fair.

harper’s ferry (w) vs red soto cups (L)

8 - 4 - 0

Don’t these teams know there’s an offensive outage this season?

I feel bad for Swindell here, and I don’t say that lightly. He had a monstrous offensive output this week but happened to face off against the only team to be able to best him. Both teams in this matchup combined for 37 homers, OPS’s of almost .900 apiece, and a cool 100 RBI. It’s just one of those weeks where your opponent matches you step for step. What’s more, McDermott’s pitching staff which often falls a step behind his hitting, managed to post ludicrous ratios of sub 3.00 and still had over 100 IP and 100 K’s. Just an unfortunate pairing for Swindell.

McDermott is establishing himself as an unexpected force this season. Harper and Suarez in particular could find themselves contending for the NL MVP and Cy Young respectively. Phillies homer-ism is usually a poor way to go about building a team, but not this season. This season the Phillies are running roughshod through the league, crushing the Braves under their boots, TAKING NO PRISONERS, ALLOWING NO QUARTER, FACING NO … oh. We lost 3 in a row.

WE FUCKING SUCK.

JURICKSON STORE CALLED YOUR MOM BUT SHE DIDN’T ANSWER BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY MAKING ME A SANDWICH (W) VS CASHMAN’S CASHOUTS (L)

11 - 0 - 1

The beginner’s luck continues to run out for Sitko. Johnson bested him by healthy margins in nearly every category. Things aren’t BAD in all caps for Sitko, but the offense which was cruising through the first 5 weeks of the season has cooled as the youth and streakiness of the component parts has been exposed. That, coupled with injuries to Carter, Polanco, and Wade, and depth has become a problem for the Cashouts. The exception is Marcel Ozuna, who apparently snuck into Acuna’s bed at night and sucked out his mojo dementor style.

Johnson on the other hand rebounded nicely from his drubbing last week. As Julio goes, so does Johnson’s offense, and whether it’s stubbornness or savvy, he has staunchly refused to part with his baby through the extended slumps. If Rodriguez goes on a tear then June could be a lucrative month for Johnson. Mark’s team is just annoyingly well rounded and well built, so for god’s sake if he could just name it after someone besides his 2nd worst outfielder!

Mendoza liners (w) vs elly enchanted (L)

12 - 0 - 0

At Martindell’s request, I shall deliver his team’s Obituary:

Elly Enchanted (Age 15), of Nokesville VA, sadly left us on May 26th, 2024 due to complications from S.D.A.O.S. (Shitty Draft and Offseason Syndrome). They leave behind their dog Lacey, an extensive and embarrassing collection of anime, manga, and “best girl” figurines and statuettes of questionable taste, and a series of un-sent love letters to a “Fish husbando”. Martindell’s final wish for his deceased team was for the aggrieved to make donations in its name to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, so the memory of failure could live on through shitty junk mail for decades to come. A service will be held in their honor on the side of the Howard Frankland Bridge, which Martindell often stated was the sole barrier between his team and the success and happiness it deserved. Light H’or devours and rum and cokes to follow.

Michael I don’t really know hot to follow that except to say that your offense is good and you should be proud of it. Oh but Corbin Carroll is still awful and I wan’t you to continue to live with that shame.

shirley’s sox (l) vs pickle the beast (w)

2 - 9 - 1

This was another razor thin matchup where the blowout was deceptive. Six of the nine categories that Weaver lost or tied in were competitive through the final day of the matchup. The elephant in the room for Weaver is that the roster is not being maintained optimally. Esteury Ruiz was placed on the IL last Thursday but he still occupies a bench spot on Weaver’s team despite her having IL spots open for use. The same goes for Jon Gray who also went on the IL on Thursday. Until these roster inefficiencies are rectified, Shirley’s Sox may continue to fall just short week to week.

On the other side, Heller’s pitching was the big winner. MacKenzie Gore continued his breakout and Marcus Stromon continues to be shockingly not terrible. Hell even Verlander is pitching like he’s still on the correct side of 40. I can’t decide if Heller’s staff is actually good or if this is another byproduct of pitching being strong across the board in 2024. Regardless, this win was huge for Heller to press an advantage and overperform to make up valuable ground, gaining a bit of separation between himself and the 4th place seed.