WEEK 9 RECAP: TOPSY TURVY
Past success is the most accurate predictor of future performance. Except this week. This week past success was about as useful as your dad’s condom during a raucous bout of passionate yet definitely unplanned love-making.
Week 9 was a week of disrupting the status quo, because as gifted philosopher Neil Patrick Harris once stated, the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just… need to rule it. Okay this analogy is going off the rails, much like my fantasy season. Let’s step into this clusterfuck and try to parse what is real and what’s the loving story your parents told you about your 100% planned conception.
bux in six (w) vs shirley’s sox (l)
9 - 2 - 1
Three weeks ago I wrote an article where I said it was time for Mulvey to panic, that his season was on the brink of collapse and that he was a washed up has-been whose height is grossly exaggerated. Now I have to eat most of those words because the king has returned, and he’s pissed. 42 runs, 14 homers, 49 RBI, and a .848 OPS. The Bux are rolling and it was all without a big contribution from Mookie. In the weekly analysis of how Michael is a dumbass we see that Freeman stomped ;his way to a 1.291 OPS on the week and has now brought his season OPS up to .877. It’s okay thought because Corbin Carroll is only .007 batting average points from breaking the Mendoza line so… yay.
Weaver on the other hand appears to be the first owner this season to check out entirely. Edwin Diaz, Jon Gray, Michael Wacha, Esteury Ruiz, and Zac Gallen are all on the IL but are occupying active roster spots for Weaver when she has two open IL spots. Shirley’s Sox should be seen as an easy win until her roster turns back over.
elly enchanted (w) vs harper’s ferry (l)
9 - 2 -1
This was as close to a “must-win” as you could get for Martindell. I daresay if the score had been reversed, Richard may be looking to sell right now. As it is though his pitching gave a strong performance and Joey’s bats stalled enough for Martindell to scrape away all of the hitting categories. By no means is this a sign that Martindell’s woes are over, seeing as how his big win was mostly fueled by a hug run total and otherwise pedestrian hitting stats, but he was due for some good luck. Also, Richard still boasts a top 5 pitching staff in the league, so if his hitting can do, “enough”, then maybe this resurrection can continue. Oh but Elly hit only .120 this week and definitely sucks. You should definitely trade him to me Richard… really… you really should.
McDermott crashed hard this week, and his hands off approach may be partially to blame. IP and K’s were separated by 10 each, but McDermott was content to avoid streaming rather than make the volume play. This may be another Brooke situation though since McDermott’s roster went into illegal status today and I’ll be interested to see how long it stays like that. Bryce Harper and Brent Rooker are carrying this team and when they stop it’ll be like the Cavs without Lebron, or for the less basketball inclined it’ll be like The Office without Steve Carrell, or for those who don’t understand humor it’ll be like the Federal Reserve without Alan Greenspan, or for those who didn’t go to school it’ll be like the MCU without Robert Downey Jr and Chris Evans, or for those of you who are too cool for superhero movies it’ll be like your mother without my tender caress on her inner thigh.
i like ian on topper (l) vs mendoza liners (w)
4 - 8 - 0
topper’s weeks without a win (9)
Yup, we have a count-up meter. I may transition to a count-down clock as we get closer to the end, but “11 weeks to get a win” doesn’t sound as compelling or impressive as 9 weeks of sucking. Nine weeks is a long time. Nine weeks is a full quarter of a public school year. Dreams have been lost in nine weeks. Dreams of college, of successful careers, of getting a date to the homecoming dance… lots of tears… but not for me, for Dan, because he’s purposefully bad at fantasy baseball. Wait how is his team doing? Oh yeah, well Alex Bregman is good again and this is definitely a week he could have won pre-Acuna trade, but who cares. Life is meaningless and so is this season.
Staron found his lord and savior in Jake Irvin and Tarik Skubal. Skubal I understand. He’s the only reason for Detroit natives to be happy when Eminem isn’t in town. But Irvin is a joke and I don’t respect him. I’m proud of Staron’s ability to manage his way through this week of inconsistent performances from his relievers, though I guess that doesn’t matter when his opponent has punted SV/HD (YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT THAT). Kyle Tucker had a rare down week and Staron still managed to put the screws to his opponent, so things are looking pretty rosy here.
pickle the beast (l) vs jurickson store called, running out of yu (how good is that name? richard you should trade mark darvish just so his team name can stop being bad) (l)
1 - 9 - 2
Heller was subjected to the rare blowout in this battle of titans and was knocked out of the top 4 because of it. What’s worse, much like Dan’s wife says on his birthday right before bed, this one was hard to swallow. Six categories were competitive right up until the last game was played, and Heller managed to lose or tie all of them. I’m putting this right in the “tip your cap” category of outcomes, especially since OLSON FINALLY HAD A DECENT WEEK. PRAISE SOUTHERN JESUS (trump) IT FINALLY HAPPENED AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA REJOICES. Time to Make Heller Great Again.
Johnson on the other hand finds himself in first place after this drubbing and things are going swimmingly. Alvarez and Julio are hitting their strides well enough to cover for Mark’s occasionally suspect pitching (Ober and Gray shift around uncomfortably). I’d like to point out that Johnson’s trade for Zack Wheeler is paying off in spades. With Strider and others down with a terminal case of “wimpy arm”, Wheeler has grabbed hold of the mantle of BEST PITCHER IN BASEBALL and is running with it. If he keeps this pace he should win a Cy Young and I won’t hear any argument to the contrary.
red soto cups (w) vs you don’t know -dropped- (l)
9 - 3 - 0
Pat you need to change your team name.
Just as I start saying nice things about Weaver’s team he goes and does something like this. Swindell was another team that I was ready to start browbeating to sell to me, but after this outcome he is allowed to limp on for a while longer. Swindell had the best offensive week of any team, with his AVG over .300 and OPS over .900, plus 55 RUNS! In the face of such reckless offensive production there really wasn’t much for Weaver to do on that side. BUT THAT WASN’T ALL. Swindell also managed to post an ERA under 3.00 with almost 90 IP and K’s respectively. It was a pure drubbing with outstanding performances from Seager, JRam, Kwan, Soto, Skenes, and others. This week showed what Swindell’s offense is capable of when it’s clicking, and it’s terrifying.
Weaver didn’t have a bad week (except on the pitching side), but in the face of that sort of offensive output there’s just not much you can do. Julien did get sent down at the end of this matchup, which may have been a blessing in disguise (or not so well disguied). New additions Albies and Peralta contributed their fair share, plus Snell got placed on the IL so Pat won’t feel obligated to continue starting his bum ass. Logan Allen and Taj Bradley were the true villains of the matchup, with ERA’s of 37.80 and 24.30 respectively on the week. Without those dud starts Weaver would have still competed for the ratio stats.
cashman’s cashouts (w) vs oneil & o’neill attys at law (l)
9 - 2 - 1
Cuz I’m FREEEEEEEEE. FREEEEE FALLIIIIIIN’.
Yup things have bottomed out quickly in shitty Oneill-ville. Injuries plus endless cold-streaks on the hitting side have torpedoed two weeks. While my pitching fought valiantly, it wasn’t enough to make up for a lineup that produced FOUR homers on the week. Four home runs across 267 at bats. My lineup is homering at a pace worse than Steven Fucking Kwan. There’s not much to do on the trade side because the problems are so widespread that it would be akin to a loony tunes cartoon where Bugs Bunny tries to plug a dozen holes in a rowboat with his toes. All that’s left now is to pray that my team wakes up and competes. Oh wait… I’m not religious…
Welp. (loads shotgun)
Sitko’s pitching was strong this week and his hitting did just enough, in the same way a morbidly obese man would do “just enough” to outrun a quadriplegic in a marathon. Special shoutouts to Justin Steele and Gavin Stone who had two starts and allowed a single run between the two of them across 24 innings. It’s only fitting that Stone would be claimed by Jon to be used against me. Also, Maikel Garcia and Anthony Volpe combined for 13 runs across the two of them for this matchup. I don’t really have any analysis for that point except to say that it’s annoying. Sitko is back up to 4.5 games out of a playoff spot and has rekindled the Cinderella story of his season with this performance. His managerial decisions were shrewd and I pity the fool to face him next (oh wait it’s Pat… no I don’t).
this week’s matchup to watch:
j.s.c.r.o.o.y. vs bux in six
The current league leader vs the Reigning Champ on a mid-season rampage. Can’t get much better than that.
