GRADE THE TRADE: THE FANTASTIC FOUR
I am not a man of faith. No deep drives to left scare me. Having said that, perhaps Proverbs 16:27 said it best…
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”
It is in the darkest moments of sloth that terrible ideas are born. Ambition mates with wanton disregard for risk and then before you know it four owners are in bed with each other swapping their bats. It’s filthy. It's unclean. It's shamelessly performative. Why are we giving these heathens a stage to dance naked upon, their egos flapping in the cool breeze? Because we are base creatures of need and instinct. We can’t help ourselves. Four owners saw fit to exchange a total of eight players between themselves in an orgy of meaninglessness. And now in turn you will be subjected to the fruits of their hubris. So, feast your eyes you disgusting mouth breathers. It’s time for the first ever “Grade the Trade”.
THE TRADE:
Here is the official text of the trade for those of you who enjoy spending your free time practicing amateur acupuncture on your scrotums and/or labias:
Elly Enchanted sends Ceddanne Rafaela to Mi Casas es su Casas for Reid Detmers
Elly Enchanted sends Logan O’hoppe to Hiroshima Carpe Diem
Hiroshima Carpe Diem sends David Bednar to Mi Casas es su Casas
Pickle the Beast sends Jason Foley to Hiroshima Carpe Diem
Pickle the Beast sends Keibert Ruiz and Colin Poche to Elly Enchanted for Jordan Wicks
Oh boy, how helpful. But wait, if you didn’t understand any of that because you’re an Adderall fueled Millennial who can’t understand the written word if it’s not captioning a TikTok then here is a visual aid:
Okay, you follow? Don’t worry, I’m gonna feed you baby birds. We’re gonna break this down even further. I’ll grade this ball of yarn one team at a time solely based on what they got and what they gave up, regardless of where it went. You still here? Good. I believe in us. We’re going to get through this together.
HIROSHIMA CARPE DIEM
GAVE: DAVID BEDNAR
GOT: JASON FOLEY AND LOGAN O’HOPPE
O’hoppe is a lovely name, isn’t it? Doesn’t it sound like the description of a delightful craft beer? Very pleasing to the ear. That must be the only reason why I accepted this deal because WHY WOULD I TRADE FOR A CATCHER WHEN I ALREADY HAVE ADLEY RUTSCHMAN ON MY TEAM? That and I don’t even enjoy drinking beer! Asinine. Unless O’hoppe is going to sit in my utility spot there doesn’t seem to be a place for him does there?
What about Jason Foley? Who? Oh, you know him, he’s the Detroit Tigers reliever with the so-so mustache and occasional mullet. Mr. Foley throws the ball hard and not much else. That and he doesn’t even strike many people out. How many is not many? 104 K’s in 139 IP. That makes me want to throw up. My two-year-old has a higher success rate with throwing clothes across the room into his hamper.
So, we have an elite closer in Bednar going out and reliver who can’t strike anyone out and a redundant catcher coming in. Maybe O’hoppe gets traded for something more useful, like a box of lightly soiled underwear, but until that happens this trade is a bust and I should feel bad for doing it.
GRADE: F
MI CASAS ES SU CASAS:
GAVE: REID DETMERS
GOT: CEDANNE RAFAELA AND DAVID BEDNAR
Reid Detmers stinks. I’m sorry to all three of you Detmers stans out there but it’s time for an intervention. His breaking ball has run, and that’s it. The fastball is slow and straight, the walk rate is poor, and his WHIP was 1.35 last year. Stop making excuses for him and saying his slider is, “enough”. You deserve better than enough. You deserve more than enough. So, tell him he needs to go to Driveline, add a few MPH on his heater, and if he does that maybe you can talk, but until then keep your options open. Live a little. Speed matters. Size matters. Size of fastball run that is. Nothing else.
Cedanne Rafaela is an outstanding defender. That’s great for the Red Sox. But until we incorporate defensive runs saved as a fantasy stat it means literally nothing to Weaver. This acquisition is the equivalent of buying a granite countertop for your neighbor’s house. You have an eye for quality, but leering through the window at someone else’s toy is just going to get the police called on you.
In the end this is Bednar’s deal. Just a sexy closer coming over for the low low price of Reid Detmers. You’d think I love that value. Well, I don’t. Closers are terrible keepers and Bednar is no exception. Go trade him to James for a pick and then we’ll talk. Or wait, maybe don’t. Apparently, Bednar’s nickname is “The Renegade,” and that’s pretty metal. I take back everything I said. Bendar is love, Bednar is life. RENEGADE FOR LIFE.
GRADE: A
PICKLE THE BEAST:
GAVE: COLIN POCHE, KEIBERT RUIZ, AND JASON FOLEY
GOT: JORDAN WICKS
… What?
Andrew, let’s talk. You’re a nice guy, but you know what they say about nice guys? That’s right, they get taken advantage of by assholes.
But let’s not be hasty. Perhaps Heller is playing 4d chess here. Maybe there’s something secretly appealing about Jordan Wicks that was worth him trading three players to acquire. It’s time to go deeper…
Jordan Wicks was born on September 1st 1999. This makes Wicks a Virgo. Michael Jackson was also a Virgo. Point to Wicks. He went to high school in a city named Conway, Arkansas. If you’ve never been to Arkansas, I don’t recommend it if you have more melanin than Channing Tatum after a weeklong cruise.
Wicks played baseball and football in high school but because he wears glasses and was ruthlessly bullied by his football teammates for his degenerate vision, he gave up life on the gridiron for the considerably less glamorous life on a baseball diamond. See diamonds are a girl’s best friend, which is what Wicks’ teammates told him as they beat him with rolled up towels in the locker room.
Wicks played college ball for a time before spending a summer in the Northwoods League for the Rockford Rivets, where he dominated to a 0.52 ERA in 34 innings. Don’t get excited though, the Northwoods league is like the little leagues for adults who can’t admit their dream ended when they went undrafted during their travel team tryouts when they were 12.
Wicks didn’t give up though. He persisted. Wicks became the Big 12 Conference Preseason Pitcher of the Year (say that five times fast), and eventually was selected by the Cubs in the first round with the 21st overall selection in the 2021 MLB draft.
But what is it that makes his name sing in Heller’s ear? Why does Andrew yearn for him so? What is it about Wicks that tickles his jimmies?
Wicks, upon speaking to reporters, “God is the rock of my life. He is always there and he always loves me no matter what happens on that field,”
Oh, right all the non-heathens have to stick together.
GRADE: C… FOR CHRIST…
ELLY ENCHANTED:
GAVE: CEDANNE RAFAELA, LOGAN O’HOPPE, JORDAN WICKS
GOT: COLIN POCHE, AND KEIBERT RUIZ
Well, we’ve already talked about most of these schmucks. All that’s left is to talk about the real prize of this trade. The golden idol rising above the mound of shit. The reason for the season. You see, all of you have been played, and Martindell has navigated the game beautifully. It is now crystal clear who the real prize of this deal has always been.
Keibert Ruiz.
The talent level for Ruiz is off the charts. All the advanced metrics show a player primed for a breakout season of massive proportions. Don’t check that, your eyes are mischievous deceivers and you’re basically colorblind. Don’t take my word for it, take the word of our greatest talent evaluator and the man who has followed Ruiz’s career with interest from the start. Read on and see how foolish you all were. How thoroughly duped you’ve been.
“Woah Keibert Ruiz!!!” – James Swindell
“We’ve agreed to terms on an eight-year contract – including two club options – with catcher Keibert Ruiz!” – James Swindell
“Keibert was packaged in the Scherzer deal to LA. One of their top prospects, great defensive catcher” –James Swindell
“Bro Keibert Ruiz makes me so happy” –James Swindell
“Keibert batting 1.000” –James Swindell
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT KEIBERT RUIZ!” –James Swindell
“Keibert Ruiz batting second today!” –James Swindell
“I like Keibert a lot” –James Swindell
The mountain of evidence speaks for itself. Martindell saw this intractable truth and orchestrated a delicate, some would even say absurd sequence of events to ensure Ruiz would end up with him. It’s brilliant actually… so obvious now…
Heller wouldn’t dare deal such a talent without being falsely led to believe that the catcher market was flush with available talent, so Martindell had to trade O’hoppe to me. That transaction would loosen Heller’s girdle slightly, but it wouldn’t be enough on its own for him to unclutch his pearls. No… Martindell would have to spice up the arms race for pitchers. Wicks needed to become necessary, and how else to give someone the hunger for a young arm with Jesus in his wizard fingers than by orchestrating the exchange of a talented reliever like Bednar.
Martindell knew that if Bednar went to Weaver that Heller would see that arms were at a premium. After all, how else would Martindell be able to pry away the budding star power of *retch* Reid Detmers?
After that it was just window dressing. Gaslight Heller into thinking Ruiz wasn’t enough for Wicks by asking for Poche, thinking that his Rays tie meant he was the real target, but in fact he was just the appetizer to the Keibert Ruiz main course. That delicious catcher backside never stood a chance. Masterful.
My hat is off to you, Richard Martindell Jr. Truly the trade of the off-season. You did it you mad lad.
Now never do it again.
GRADE: A+
