WEEK 5 RECAP: PANIC METER

We are now 25% of the way through the regular season! Or, to contextualize it in a way you’ll understand, 30 seconds into an average Patrick Weaver love-making session.

In commemoration of this occasion, I am changing up this week’s Recap. This is the typical part of the year when things start to settle out and we begin to see who has their shit together and whose shit resembles my son’s on a cross country flight. No one is out of it at this point, but some people are digging their grave with a backhoe rather than a spade if you catch my drift. So who needs to panic and who doesn’t? Existentially we all should be panicking but some owners probably sleep better at night than others. Let’s start with those resting as if with a prescribed Ambien.

panic meter: snoozing comfortably

jurickson store called… something something, cashman’s cashouts, pickle the beast

Not only are these three teams positioned in the top third in record, they are largely healthy. Aside from some peripheral injuries, most have filled their IL spots with stashes and have avoided the worst of the early season rash of pain… for now.

Johnson’s pitching has been the best in the league to this point and even though his hitting is more middle-of the pack, most of his premier hitters have underperformed to this point. Julio in particular is not going to continue his power drought, and when he wakes up he’s going to inflict pain on the rest of the league.

Heller continues his brand of “steady as she goes” managing. He has made cagey pickups such as Kikuchi and Turnbull and continues to benefit from CJ Abrams’ breakout season. Matt Olson hasn’t even heated up either, so expect those power totals to jump significantly.

Cashouts continues to be the most remarkable underdog in league history. Even though he’s fallen back to earth a bit, he is buoyed by the return of Walker Buehler and Justin Steele. His team is all around productive and largely healthy again. He shouldn’t have to endure any prolonged losing streaks.

panic
meter: feeling good, except i’m coming down with a cold

oneil & o’neill attys at law, you don’t know jax, mendoza liners, red soto cups, kourtsideking

It may seem like false modesty to place my own first place team in the second strata of these rankings, but with injuries to three of my best hitters (Trout, Turner, and Yelich), I can’t say I feel very comfortable. The next month or two will be about treading water until my guys get healthy, if they ever do (looking at you Fish-Man). I have a cushion to prevent a collapse, but things change quickly.

Patrick Weaver has to have had the most under-achieving team to this point, and with various players heating up and big wins jumping him back into the upper half of the standings, things are looking rosier. What’s more, the reigning MVP hasn’t event taken off yet, and rest assured he will.

Staron is a puzzling owner. On one hand he fleeces Dan for Freeman then he goes and takes a massive and unnecessary risk in flipping him for the struggling Carroll. This potential unforced error could be devastating if suspicion about Carroll’s balky shoulder ends up being true. But then again Carroll just hit a homer and had 5 RBI, so what do I know?

Swindell has the dubious honor of being the most statistically under-performing team in the league. His Stat totals say he should be in fourth place but he currently stands at 8th in the standings. Swindell’s batting average first team will rarely bottom out in the hitting stats, so as long as his pitching stays competitive he should be fine. With good news such as John actually Meaning business, and the impending arrival of Paul Skenes, I expect Swindell’s pitching to ascend to the top third of the league imminently.

Joey is fine.

panic meter: this isn’t sweat, it’s a moisturizing mask… exuded by my pores

shirley’s sox, elly enchanted

The sub-title for this section should be, “Here we go again”.

Weaver’s problem is that her pitching is out of sorts. Aside from Zac Gallen she doesn’t have a reliable “set ‘em and forget ‘em” starter. Her hitting is formidable, particularly with Ohtani on a triple crown tear, but unless some of her more fringy starting options round back into form it’s going to be a long summer.

Martindell must be feeling particularly frustrated. He has talent in volume but his hitters just aren’t bringing to bear the offensive explosion he was expecting. Of his players with over 60 PA’s, only 1 (Elly De La Cruz) has an OPS over .800. He has Bohm as well but I’m not counting him because he literally acquired him this week. In fact, without Elly, Martindell’s team would only have 15 total steals (Elly himself has 19). All is not lost, as Arenado, Semien, and Lowe have hot streaks likely coming. Junior Caminero is also likely close to a call-up. Not time to panic yet, but for a team which rebuilt so aggressively, this was not the start that was hoped for.

panic meter: don’t mind me, just mixing my bourbon with xanax…

bux in six, i like ian on topper

Mulvey would probably dispute this ranking since he just managed to turn Corbin Carroll into an actual productive star hitter, but until he can thread a few wins together I can smell the discomfort on Vinson a mile away (and it smells like manly musk). Mulvey’s hitting has landed like a wet fart in an elevator. While not as bad as Martindell’s, only Mookie Betts and Willson Contreras have been true standouts (and Contreras just broke his arm). Vlad, Springer, and Hayes in particular need to jump their OPS by about a hundred points each to bring this team’s offensive output back into line.

As for Topczewski, this rating isn’t entirely fair because the panic has past. Dan is now comfortably in the arms of his emotional support outfielder. Chourio’s big, strong, muscly arms now wrap Dan up nice and tight where he can rest comfortably and dream about 2025. It’s not panic if you embrace the suck. That’s a big brain move.